Introduction:

Forced Marriage, Arranged Marriage and Love Marriage are terms used to describe how the selections of marriage partners are made. In “forced marriage”, one or both of the parties is/are into the relationship unwillingly. He/she was forced into it. In “arranged marriage”, the selection is made by a third party but with the consent of both parties. In “love marriage” on the other hand the selection is made by the two people concerned. The basic belief of those who arrange marriages or forced people into marriages is that love would come later. Whereas people who insist on love marriage has the belief that love is paramount to the success of any marriage. To them, “NO LOVE! NO MARRIAGE!” Can anyone dispute the importance of love in marriage?

Besides, while our grandparents tell us how successful their marriages were despite the fact that their marriages were either arranged or that they were forced to marry our grand fathers or mothers, the Bible shows us clearly, using the picture of Leah and Jacob (Genesis 29, 30) that love does not always come later into a marriage relationship that does not begin with one. It may happen in some cases but not in all cases.

But wait, before we roll out drums and begin to rejoice that love marriage has better future, the testimony of the Bible (for instance as in the case of Samson and the Timnah lady that he abandoned at honeymoon – Judges 14) as well as our daily experiences also tell us that the so called love do fail as we hear people who enter into marriage relationships claiming that they are in love saying the initial feelings of love that they had before they entered into the marriage relationships is no more.

So, where do we go from here? I want to suggest three essential pillars for a successful marriage.

1. Love:

Love is an essential pillar of a successful marriage. The Greek words: pheleo, eros, and agape are three Greek concepts that help our understanding of the concept of love. Pheleo describe the positive feeling that grows out of relationship. It is natural to love your father because he is your father. In the same way there must be a special relationship feeling between a man and a woman that will help them relate as husband and wife. When a lady hears the voice of her fiancé, a positive feeling must arouse inside her that is different from the feelings she had when she heard the voice of her brother. That is pheleo. Eros describes the romantic feelings that lead a man to make love with his wife. Without eros, husband and wife will not make love with each other. Agape, on the other hand, is a cool, less passionate and less personal feeling. It is called unconditional love because it is an affection that has no string attached. It has less attachment. For any marriage to succeed, these three types of love must be present.

2. Approval or Consent of Both Parents:

In traditional African societies marriages were arranged by parents. As stated above, the popular belief was that “love would come later.” It has been said that love does not always come later; but still, there were less divorce cases then. In fact, divorce was not in the dictionary of African Marriage. Men don’t divorce their wives in traditional African societies and women will always want to remain in their matrimonial home to take care of their children. “What was the secret?” One may ask. Yes, the secret was parental support.

Then, if a man wants to divorce his wife and the parents say, “NO!” The man dare not go ahead with the divorce plan. And if a woman packs her load back to her father’s house with the intention to divorce his husband, and the parents say, “No way!” She has to go back. If the wife’s parents send for the husband and he wants to prove stubborn, they would send for his parents. If the woman is the one proving stubborn, the moment the husband reports to her parents she would be called to order. These were happening because the parents were in support of the relationship.

Then in Africa, marriage was not defined as “the union between a man and a woman as husband and wife” as our children are being taught in Basic Social Studies today. Marriage, then, was understood as union between the man with his family members and the woman with her family members. Marriage to a man or woman was marriage to his/her entire family. His/her father and mother become your father and mother. His/her brothers and sisters become your brothers and sisters; just as his uncles and aunties, nephews and nieces and cousins are your uncles and aunties, nephews and nieces as well as cousins.

But things are changing. Or do I say things have changed? Unfortunately, the blowing wind of social change that makes a woman marry a man or a man marry a woman without the approval of both parents is blowing here and there. More unfortunately, we have men women who marry women with the intention or expectation to separate her from his parent and we have women who marry men with the intention or expectation to separate him from his people. This is a fallacy and where ever it is achieved it does neither the husband nor the wife no good because there will be a day when both of them will need their parents.

While love is an essential pillar for a successful marriage, the couple needs the back up of their parents’ approval because love as an emotion can fail. But with the backup of parental support the family can survive the test of time.

3. God’s Approval or God’s Will:

The whole idea of marriage was God’s creation. In fact, it was God who said it was not good for the man to be alone and then decided to create a help-meet for him and then created Eve. (Genesis 2: 18 – 23). So for every Adam created by God, He (God) has an Eve. It is interesting to note that Adam in His search for help-meet didn’t find any until God brought Eve to him (Genesis 2: 21 – 23). Seeking God’s guidance in the choice of marriage partner is never out of place. In fact, asking God to lead one to and accepting the man or woman God has in mind for one is a guarantee of a successful marriage.

The rain may descend, the floods may come, and the winds may blow and beat on the house it will not fall. The assurance that God led you into the relationship gives you the courage to go back to Him anytime there is problem in the relationship.

Conclusion:

The Preacher affirms in Ecclesiastes 4: 12 that “…a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” In the same way, I want to believe that a marriage with three legs of love, parental support and God’s approval is like a threefold cord cannot easily be broken. It has better chance of success than a marriage with only one leg called love.