I. Wrong Partner: Who Is She/He?

1. The Concept of Compatibility in Marriage

The concept of “right” and “wrong” marriage partners comes from the concept of compatibility mentioned in Gen. 2: 18 – 20 and 2 Cor. 6: 14 – 16. Paul in 2 Cor. 6: 14 – 16 gave the imagery of a farmer using two animals to draw a plough to work on a field. As a matter of necessity, the two animals being used to draw the plough must, among other things, be of the same species and of similar strength if any meaningful work must be done. Putting a sheep beside a cow to draw a plough cannot work. It is unequal yoke. It amounts to incompatibility.

While 2 Cor. 6: 14 – 16 talks about spiritual or religious compatibility, as in the case of a Christian marrying a Muslim, other areas of unequal yoke in marriage have also been identified. They include:

Family Background: Socio-Economic Status of the families of orientationCultural Beliefs and affiliation of the coupleEducational/Academic attainment of the coupleFinancial/Economical Status of the couple

To the compatibility theorists, the right person is the person of same faith, same or similar family background, cultural beliefs and affiliation, similar educational/academic attainment etc. But another school of thought observed that this is not always true because there are people of same faith, same or similar family background, cultural beliefs and affiliation, similar educational/academic attainment etc. with serious marital challenges.

2. The Concept of Opposite Attracts:

Psychology has tried to classify people, based on their behaviours, into two – the introvert and the extrovert. But Tim Lahaye (1999), a Christian-counsellor and pastor observed that there are not just one introvert and one extrovert; introverts are of two kinds and extroverts are of two kinds. Hence, there are, basically, four kinds of people when we look at their behaviour which is influenced by their inherited temperaments. He saw Agur in Prov 30:11-14 identifying the four kinds of people:

Melancholy: “There are those who curse their fathers and do not bless their mothers;

Phlegmatic:those who are pure in their own eyes and yet are not cleansed of their filth;

Sanguine:those whose eyes are ever so haughty, whose glances are so disdainful;

Choleric:those whose teeth are swords and whose jaws are set with knives to devour the poor from the earth, the needy from among mankind. (NIV)

The Sanguine: (High-assertive/ High-responsive)

He is fun-loving, people oriented person. He is a natural salesman, con artist, or people manipulator. His main weakness is indiscipline. Biblical example is Peter.

The Choleric: (High-assertive/Low-responsive)

He is the hot, quick, active, practical, strong-willed temperament type. He is self-sufficient and very independent. He tends to be decisive and opinionated, finding it easy to make decisions both for himself and other people. He does not possess natural interpersonal skills. He is an extrovert but not as strong as a sanguine. He makes a good leader and employee – but can be extremely volatile in voluntary relationship.

The Melancholy: (Low-assertive/High-responsive)

He is analytical, self-sacrificing, gifted, perfectionist type with a very sensitive emotional nature. He enjoys fine arts. He is an introvert but given to negative mood swings and lacks self-confidence. He needs to be motivated otherwise turn introspective and begins to psychoanalyze himself, thereby destroying his self-confidence

The Phlegmatic: (Low-assertive/Low-responsive)

This is the calm, easygoing, never-get-upset individual with such a high boiling point that he seldom becomes angry. He is the easiest person to get along with and is by nature the most likable of all the temperament. He is super-introvert. He likes staying at the background and work at his own pace. His greatest need is motivation.

Lahaye went further to explain that no one is 100 percent a single temperament; rather we are all a combination of temperaments having at least two temperaments – one primary and one secondary. This result in 12 different blends of temperaments. In marriage, especially in love-marriages, opposite temperaments attract each other. So we see Introverts marrying Extroverts; Sanguines marrying Melancholies and Cholerics marrying Phlegmatics. If we talk of the 12 blends, we see:

San-Chlors marrying Mel-PhlegsSan-Mels marrying Mel-SansSan-Phlegs marrying Mel-ChlorsChlor-Sans marrying Phleg-MelsChlor-Mels marrying Phleg-SansChlor-Phleg marrying Phleg-Chlors

The opposite temperaments are attracted in marriage because of their contrasting noticeable strengths. This is good for them because contrasting temperaments complement one another. But there is a big problem inherent in this. The unnoticed weaknesses are a serious challenge to their compatibility. To these theorists, therefore, compatibility exists only on the formula:

SELF-ACCEPTANCE + PARTNER’S APPRECIATION + ADJUSTMENT = COMPATIBILITY

This does not suggest that marrying anyone is okay as far as you can accept yourself, appreciate your partner and make necessary adjustment. No! Marrying someone that will change you or you will change 100 percent from who you are or who he/she is in the name of adjustment is incompatibility. The adjustment formula should be something like 80/100 or 40/60

3. A Definition of a Wrong Partner:

A wrong partner is:

One who doesn’t accept him/herselfOne who cannot appreciate youSomeone you cannot appreciateOne who cannot come down to your levelSomeone who cannot grow-up to your levelOne who was not brought by God as God brought Eve to Adam (Gen. 2: 22, 23)

II. The Regrets in Marrying a Wrong Partner

Marrying a wrong partner brings many regrets which include:

Regret of Missed Partner:There are always alternatives, while making the choice. One feels sorry for not choosing the alternative forgone.Regret of Impatience: One feels ashamed of self for not been patient enough before making up one’s mind.Regret of Hopelessness:One becomes hopeless not knowing what the end of the matter will be.Sorrows and Silent Cry:Marrying a wrong partner robs one of peace and joy in marriage. Sorrows and silent cry is what one gets in it.Frustration: Everyone in the relationship – the father, the mother and the children feels frustrated and disappointed.

          Conclusion: The Way Out

Marriage is defined as a triangular relationship of a man, a woman and God. Marriage was never meant to be human affairs only. God initiated marriage and He wants to be involved in it from the beginning to the end. Often times, whenever there is problem in marriage relationship, the conclusion is always that the couples are incompatible. But before you conclude critically consider the following factors.

The couple’s relationship with GodThe couple’s level of self-acceptanceThe level of appreciation of the other partner andThe level of/ and readiness to adjust.

Note that “I married a wrong partner” is not a tenable reason for divorce before God. Do your best to make your marriage work. It shall be well with you in Jesus’ name.

WORKS CITED:

Alabi, Tunde. Becoming the Right Marriage Partner. Crusaders, Ogbomoso. 2002 Hughes, Slewyn. Marriage as god Intended. Kingsway Publication, Eastbourne. 1983 Lahaye, Tim. Opposite Attract. Matthew Christian Publication, Lagos. 1999.